Only in Bollywood

I watched yet another one of those mundane Bollywood movies last night. Mundane, because I can almost tell what is going to happen in the next 3 hours before they present the first couple of scenes.

Come to think of it, almost all Indian movies follow some conventions. There are certain rules that are a mandate and should be followed with strict diligence. Others may or may not be followed depending on the screenplay that has been adopted from one of the other Indian movies, or from Hollywood.

• Rule #1: The guy and girl will hate each other on first sight; Or, the guy and girl will fall in love at first sight. They will not fall in love gradually! [Note: There is no surpassing this rule.]


• The hero and heroine would run across a narrow road to meet each other for a full two minutes (with violins playing in the background) her silken hair falling over her face under the scorching sun!!! And we, like retards wonder why it takes her such a long time to run across or why any other vehicle hasn’t passed through yet.


• When the hero is 20, the heroine (18) would move in right across the hero’s house (Rule of thumb: the heroine should have lost at least one parent before moving in.) Rule #1 follows…


• The show cannot run without a villain. The hero evidently gets into trouble with the villain, mostly because of the heroine.


• If either the hero or the heroine has a child, you can bet your last buck, that the spouse is dead or the child is not theirs. Otherwise, how can you justify them falling in love? After all, we are Indians, extra-marital relationship isn’t typical yet!


• In the event of one of the stars having lost his/her spouse, there HAS to be a classified story behind his/her death. That is mandatory! Much to the frustration of the movie-goer, the story will not be told almost till the end of the movie.


• The villain, who has been wanting to kill the hero for a full two and a half hours (off late three hours), once encountered with the hero toward the end of the movie, pistol on hand, will keep talking (giving gyan) to our hero until the hero comes up with a brilliant idea and be-hold… the hero not only gets away, but all of a sudden, the tables turn, and the villain is dead!


• That’s not all… at least six songs (one needs to be romantic and another needs to be feet-tapping), sing and dance around trees with music in the background, beach, bikini, mountains, get transported to Mars within seconds (NASA needs to stop spending all their time and money and simply take classes from Indian cinema makers).

Now, aren’t we morons???

All the same; don’t miss DHOOM 2 and Don; you’d be missing a lot in life if you didn’t watch them hunks and babes in wide screen! [grin]