Meet the Traffic - Be a Monopoly

One of the ‘N’ things we gripe about every single day
But somehow manage to get through it anyway
A peek at the lighter side of it


If you have a license to drive (or even if don’t have one, like moi), then I’m sure you don’t need me (or anyone for that matter) to tell you how to drive.

Nevertheless, it is one thing to drive normally and a totally different thing to be driving on Indian roads. There are certain ground rules at it and if you don’t follow them, you’re not breaking any law, but you’ll simply look COMPLETELY out of league — a social outcast! Do you want to be one? No? Then read on; with a little help, you’ll be one of us too…

1. Your goal is not to arrive at the destination, but to cover the next half a kilometer successfully.



2. Be loud! Get the people to actually notice you. At traffic lights, leave no more than two inches between your vehicle and the one in front of you and honk away like it’s nobody’s business.



3. When taking off from a stop sign, floor the gas and pretend to take off with a jolt but quickly apply your brakes as fast as you took off. Confusing that little moron driving right behind you will make you feel like you’re on Mount Alps! :-D



4. Lane driving: D-o-n-’t try it and end up getting your car battered. Drive on any lane you feel like and swiftly move from one to the other leaving your fellow commuter totally bewildered! He’ll try to do the same to you and try to make you look like a fool, but if you’re experienced enough (read if you have the courage and skill), you wouldn’t let him do that, would you? Sooner or later, he’ll give up and accept defeat.



5. Much to the annoyance of the other people on the road, do, oh please do ramble into your mobile phones. Here’s an interesting theory to it that a fellow colleague related to me sometime back:


“You wake up very late in the morning and rush to work trying to avoid the morning traffic in vain. Then, when you get to work, your boss gets all the attention; besides, you can’t have a personal conversation when the work place is insanely quiet. During coffee breaks, you don’t get to speak to anyone on the phone, ‘cause that’s when all your fellow colleagues are sharing the newest gossip at work. Lunch break is pretty much ruled out too, ‘cause you’ve gotto respect the person sitting right in front of you; nopes, can’t yap away those glorious 20 minutes. When you get home, your wife nags you about a malfunctioning microwave, or a leaking tap in the bath! So that leaves you with the time you spend driving to and from work. Considering traveling takes away most part of the day, this is the only leisure time you’ve got, to talk to your friends.”

I should agree it’s a pretty sensible theory. So go on guys, please speak into those phone while on the road. You’re doing your boss, your colleagues, AND your wife a little favor.


6. Save those batteries. Use those headlights and turn-indicators sparingly!



7. If you’re confused on how to race against that nincompoop who overtook you a few seconds ago, don’t panic, just trust your instincts and race back at him. It never fails you know.



8. Wave your hand frantically out of the car every now and then. It doesn’t have to mean a thing, but it’ll confuse the shit out of the others.



9. Careful where you’re going. There will be a pothole, a puddle of water, a speed-bumper, every 10 yards separated at a 5 feet distance diagonally, vertically, AND horizontally. This is where following rule #4 really helps. Get the picture?



10. As a rule of thumb, never look in the eye of the Traffic cop. I’m NOT going to explain why. Some rules are better left unexplained!

Now for a quick reality check. Out of the points listed above, I follow 1, 4, 9, and 10 diligently.

So you tell me, am I an improvement or am I still a social outcast?

As funny as the above account may sound, I’m sure you’d agree that traveling on Indian roads is pretty painful. Thank God, Chennai isn’t so bad; we think twice about the infrastructure before we decide to let the IT companies exploit us. But, can you even begin to imagine driving on Mumbai or Bangalore roads? :-/

So I think we should stop fretting over it and start following these simple rules ;)